My love-hate relationship with the holiday season.

Here we are..we have arrived at another holiday season and every year for the past three years I approach the holidays with the same cheer as always yet I always have a heavy heart.
On December 29, 2013 my grandmother passed away. My grandmother was my everything. My parents worked long hours and for the first 13 years of my life we lived next door to her. She would care for me everyday after school. For about 20 says prior to her death she was in the hospital which means that she spent her favorite holiday (Christmas) in the hospital drifting in and out of consciousness. I remeber my mom even brought over her baby Jesus statue from home so that she could have that with her in her hospital room. Just writing about this is making me cry. 
I can honestly say that my love of Christmas is in part due to her enthusiasm for the holiday. 
So as much I’m enjoying getting ready for the holiday it is bittersweet because all of the memories of her final days are coming back to me.
She was there for all of the important moments in my life (graduations, birthdays, wedding, etc) but it breaks my heart that she never got to meet my baby. She would have given him so MUCH love that it pains me the he will never get to experience that. It sucks sooo much. 
So even though for 27 years I adored Christmas I now have a love-hate relationship with the holidays because I know the anniversary of her passing is right around the corner. As much as I try to put on a happy face, sing carols, decorate the house, trim the tree and do all the shopping my heart is always heavy. 
I can say that it does get easier but I miss her everyday. This year I feel the holiday spirit a little more and I’m trying to pass my love of the holiday to my son. 
This is a picture of my grandparents and I at my Master’s Graduation..My grandpa is still alive by the way..he lives with my mom now (he’s 80) can you believe it! 

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